Women Living On The Edge

Dreams With a Deadline

“I’m sick of following my dreams: I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” From the “Secret Life of E. Robert Pendleton”

We have beaten up the notion of having dreams as airy and unrealistic even harkening back to the entertainment field and the image of trying out for the chorus line in a Broadway musical. How many times does the passionate ingénue have her hopes dashed by another unwarranted rejection? Is her path the same as the one travelled by other more or less talented individuals, or is the path uniquely her own? Will she persevere? Will she realize her dream?

 Goals ARE Dreams with a deadline!

The typical process of goal setting can send some of us into a frenzy, but there are multiple ways to approach this before you abandon it altogether. You may have the dream of running a marathon, losing weight or buying a house as examples. While having the dream is special in and of itself, the act of fulfilling that dream comes from more than just wishing it to be true. The more specific you can be, the better. “Losing 10 lbs.” is different than “losing some weight,” because it gives you a clear idea of what success looks like. Knowing exactly what you want keeps you motivated until you get there. Add a visual representation to reinforce the image of your stated goal and think about the specific actions that need to be taken in order to reach your objective. Vague directives like “sleeping more” or “eating less” are uninspiring and weak. You need to be clear and precise. “On weeknights I will be in bed by 10PM,” sets up a simple reference and behavior that will support you in achieving your expressed purpose of getting more sleep which is one component of your dream to lose weight. Keep the message to yourself simple and it becomes locked in. It is easier to plan your evening activities accordingly so that bedtime becomes more consistent and the dream of losing weight is closer to becoming a reality. Keep a daily log as reinforcement.

Dream BIG or small, but dream. This is your opportunity to choose.
• Make a list of 5 dreams
• Select 1 dream that makes your heart sing
• Choose 1 action that can take you closer to your goal
• Do it!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

Rules are made to be ...?

What is it about “rules” that spawn an immediate response? Do you follow in lock step, bristle at the mere idea, immediately envision the best way to get around it or do you defiantly act to undermine it?

                                Rule maker or rule breaker? Which one are you?

According to Barbara Apple Sullivan, CEO of a NYC strategies and communications firm, rule breaking for women is essential for their business success. She is an inveterate coupon clipper and can accurately predict whether an outdated coupon will be accepted by a cashier. Invariably male cashiers will take the coupons while their female counterparts will not. In her many years of experience as a manager, Ms. Sullivan states that, “Women take action according to the letter of the law, while men are more inclined to flout rules to be true to the spirit of the law. Women are rule followers and perfectionists. They want to be right.” Furthermore, she goes on to state that, “Women dot I’s and cross T’s, but that is not always the way to win a war that’s being fought in a world of masculine values.”

How accurate is this anecdotal research on the part of Ms. Sullivan? Is it sexist, harsh, or exactly what you know to be true?  When I read her “theory”, my first inclination was to reject it as a silly premise, but then I began to do a rapid review of people with whom I have worked over the years. Age has a lot to do with it, and of course, the position held by the person making the determination, but overall, more than not, I would have to agree with the gender behavior she describes. In fact, even reflecting back on my own responses, I know that I have made determinations based on adherence to rules and/or guidelines. Were they set in stone? What was the purpose and potential impact? There was no circumstance where anarchy was in the offing, but too often, adhering strictly to them was pre-programmed on my part. On the other hand, when confronted with rules that affect me, I am most inclined to evaluate their relevance and proceed to make my own decision.

Overall, sexist generalizations or not, women who want to be leaders may best begin by recognizing that sometimes it is not only OK to bend or break the rules, it is critical to your professional success!

• Are you a rule maker or rule breaker?
• Recall a recent event that could have had a different result
• What’s one “rule” you can bend or break without affecting others adversely?
• Do it!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

Meditation 101

It is easy enough to suggest “meditation” as a method for anyone to lessen anxiety, become more focused, and possibly reach a heightened state of awareness. I have failed at this miserably and wasted enough time judging my inconsistent meditation practices to know that in order to achieve a goal of improvement, it is essential to release any notion of measurement. It is far more important to just begin and keep a simple log as a reminder. While getting started repeatedly does not feel like progress, the following approach and tips from Farnoosh Brock of Copy Blogger may be as helpful for you as they have been for me.

“There are many types of meditation; you can go to retreats, classes, or group meditation sessions.You can also meditate on your own.The most practical and effective type of meditation... is done on your own and in the privacy of your own home.

You can choose from two different routes. You can use a guided meditation technique where you listen to CDs and podcasts of experts leading you through meditation. Or you can meditate on your own, and you do not need a diploma from a yoga school or an approval from a Buddhist temple, I assure you.

No prior experience is needed to follow these instructions. You only need to be willing.
• Decide to do it- Tell yourself you are willing to give this a fair shake. Nothing happens without a mental commitment.
• Find a time and a space in your home that is comfortable, inviting, and quiet. That means no pets, no children, no partners or spouses. The good news is that you can even use your closet, so no excuses either!
• Sit on the floor or on a cushion- Sit crossed legged but be sure that you are comfortable and if need be, have your back supported by a wall for a tall spine. Meditating on the floor has an impact that cannot be replicated on other surfaces because when seated on the floor – or on your cushion – you have a physical connection with Mother Earth. The simplicity of this act combined with a straight spine does wonders for your mind.
• Put your hands on your lap- Be relaxed and receptive. When you know what to do with your hands, it immediately helps you to relax.
• Choose a mantra -This is a phrase that you keep repeating to yourself during meditation. It can be a question you ask, a problem you want to solve, or a mental block you wish to release. The answers will come to you.
• Close your eyes and begin breathing - Let the meditation start. Tune into the silence. Let your thoughts come and neither reject nor acknowledge them. Repeat your mantra over and over. Just listen. Stay as little as 5 minutes or as long as 30 minutes. When you are finished, slowly come out by opening your eyes, rubbing your hands together, and sitting another minute or two before getting up.

Forgive yourself when you slip!

Nothing works if you do it only once, or sometimes even ten times.

Meditation is a practice and you need to develop a habit around it. Habits are built over time, and with consistency. When you sit still for 5 minutes every day for a week, you have a start. When you sit still for 10 minutes every day for a month, you have momentum."

When you feel compelled to meditate and to tune into the solitude, then you have a strong habit.

This is all great but we are human beings. You will slip here and there. You will miss a day now and again, so remember what makes or breaks the return to meditation: forgiving yourself instantly for those times when you slip,  just let it go, and then pick it back up the following day.”

 

Just ASK for it!

Women hint and men ask; true or false? Think about the times you have expected someone to know, to intuit, to sense what it is that you need or want. How many of those times have you been disappointed by the behavior, gift, or phone call that was neither timely nor helpful. Lack of clarity on your part only contributes to confusion on the other end. How much easier is it to tell your spouse, friend or colleague that what you really need is an opportunity to vent rather than for them to problem solve for you. It takes a shift in thinking and perhaps engaging in a difficult conversation, but what is possible at the conclusion? Perhaps a side benefit will be less angst and a greater sense of being seen; feelings honored, and even an enhanced relationship going forward.

We are always in the process of negotiationing, from mini conversations with ourselves to those in a professional/business context. According to Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, authors of Ask for It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want, it is crucial to look at the big picture. If you always get what you want, your aim has been too low. “Always hearing yes and never risking no- means that you never ask for enough.” Who wants to leave anything on the table in a negotiation, when determining your fees or even making a large item purchase? “Excessive caution, rather than protecting you from rejection or losing face, can actually prevent you from getting all that you are worth, all you deserve and all that’s available. When you aim high in a negotiation, you adjust other people’s perceptions of you. You communicate that you’re willing to stand up for yourself.” And after all, aren’t you the best advocate for yourself?

We can become better at many things by simply practicing. Begin with positive bits of self talk as you advance to negotiations with others.
• Keep your requests simple and to the point
• Be specific
• Keep at it!

©2011 Maureen Weisner