Women Living On The Edge

OUCH! Stop Punishing Yourself

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes…if we are human, we have all made them. We may have compassion for other people, yet too frequently we refuse to stop punishing ourselves for past missteps, indiscretions, poor planning, lack of judgment, etc. The list could go on forever. Too often we examine our own actions under a relentlessly unforgiving spotlight, long after the event has occurred. Yes, we have all experienced hurtful behavior and may have been the responsible person, yet for the most part it is possible to make amends or corrections.

From this moment going forward, put a statute of limitations on your mistakes. Stop punishing yourself. Give yourself a deadline. According to Dr. Alan Zimmerman, you might even create a short script for yourself like, “After this date (specify), I will not put myself down or beat myself up for this mistake or that failure (specify). It’s done. It’s over. I refuse to spend any more energy ruminating about it.” Moreover, hold yourself accountable for doing it. The blame game is so de-energizing and once you release yourself from the fatiguing dance, your confidence will improve, oftentimes dramatically.

With respect to the question of forgiveness, a bolder step is posited by Stanford University consultant, Dr. Fred Luskin , author of the book, “Forgive for Good”. He says, “You can let go of a grudge you’ve held against someone even if you never see or speak to that person again. Forgiving takes place inside the person who has the change of heart, not the person who is forgiven.” He never suggests that the behavior was okay or that the offender gets a pass on their actions. Rather, it is about taking care of oneself and not being the person who takes poison and waits for the other person to die. In fact, in the act of forgiveness you are the person who has taken back their power.

The same truth applies to self-forgiveness. When you forgive yourself for past mistakes, you also free yourself from the attachment to them. It takes a conscious effort to change old patterns of behavior. However, when you can take even a small step towards shifting your thoughts from blame and hurt to self-healing and peace, you are achieving a new level of self-care. Greater self-knowledge begets greater self-confidence and an opportunity to give “self-punishment” a rest.

ACTION:
• Who do you need to forgive?
• Write the script?
• Speak it aloud as many times as you find necessary
• Give yourself a BIG hug!
©2011 Maureen Weisner

Who do you want to be?

Are you sleepwalking through your life, waiting for the next thing to happen only to react when “it” inevitably does? You see, there really are two ways to face the future; with apprehension or with anticipation. Let’s throw in avoidance and we are looking right into the yawning face of fear, fear that we may lose control, fail and more. It’s an old and familiar story. The pursuit of control, actually the illusion of having control, is the consummate time waster. We create multiple ways to manage what is yet to happen and spend so much time living in the future that we may miss the present entirely and that is the place we live.

Who do you want to be? Who are you choosing to be?

It has also been said that there are three kinds of people in the world.
1. Those who wait for things to happen
2. Those who make things happen
3. Those who wonder what happened

Who do you want to be? Who are you choosing to be?

The analysis paralysis is a common default behavior. Consider the following:
Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off. How many are left?
Answer: Five! It’s the difference between deciding and doing.

Who do you want to be? Who are you choosing to be now!

Our thoughts determine our feelings and hence, our actions. When we remain in the present and not the future land of worry we can refocus our energies to better serve us:
• Each day make a list of 5 things you are grateful for
• Speak them aloud
• Carry the list with you as a reminder!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

10 Things You Could Do Better Today

I am a list maker. It helps me to synthesize my thoughts and organize my activities rather than to operate freeform, without a plan. It is too easy to be in action for the sake of feeling like there is accomplishment. Yes, at the end of the day it is better to have cleaned closets, gone to the gym and emerged from the darkness with the purchase of proper wattage light-bulbs. However, task driven busyness is not a substitute for long term measurable results, improved relationships and clarity. Thinking in broader terms may be useful in creating your own list. Below is a sample of a place to start and #10 is a reward in and of itself.

 1. Increase your response time to requests.
 2. Improve the brevity and simplicity of your electronic correspondence.
 3. Connect with 5 new people and 7 existing colleagues or friends each day.
 4. Inspect your business process cycle from start to finish for improvement.
 5. Rethink your approach to helping others succeed.
 6. Increase the number of times you connect others to build new relationships.
 7. Resolve 3 pieces of unfinished business, no matter how painful.
 8. Live closer to your goals and your main points of focus, and less by reaction.
 9. Take time to thank the people who make your life possible.
10. Rest and unplug!

Your list may be quite different and it must be one that makes sense for you. Who wouldn’t want to be better at understanding the value of designing a process, an internal plan that is uniquely yours? How effective will you be when the questions you ask, the calls you make and the level of engagement you choose are consistently in alignment with your list!

• What are your most fundamental guiding principles?
• Too big? Begin with 3 or even 1 and add as you choose
• Notice the shift in your focus – what’s different?
• Notice the response of others to you – what’s different?

© 2011 Maureen Weisner

6 Steps to Making Your Own Luck

There's an old Latin proverb that says, "What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you."  So true, because it is your thoughts and your words that will have the biggest impact on your future success. 

Luck is the residue of design. Accurate or not? We often make assumptions that someone else’s success is based on luck rather than the hard work of preparation. Of course the lottery winner has done little more than purchase a ticket. However, some might posit that their series of numbers or specific rituals are part of their potentially winning process. Do you believe your raffle ticket will be selected or are you the person claiming to never be a winner?

According to Richard Wiseman, Ph.D., and author of The Luck Factor, believe it or not, luck is not a matter of chance. In fact, experts suggest that there are specific things you can do to enhance your luck quotient.

1. Speak Up- Before beginning your day, stand in front of the mirror and say aloud, “This is my lucky day!” Thinking about something makes you consider it, but hearing it actually makes you believe it.

2. Smile- A 10-year study on the nature of luck shows that “lucky” people smile twice as often as “unlucky” people. Maintaining an open body posture, with arms uncrossed and making direct eye contact, indicates approachability.

3. Say Hello- You could be in the right place at the right time. Begin a conversation with someone you would not typically approach at the gym, at work or while waiting on a line for coffee.

4. Visualize Your Luck- Before your biggest hurdle of the day, close your eyes, relax and visualize yourself as lucky. Think about the people, sights and sounds you will encounter and imagine a welcoming, successful outcome.

5. Make a Phone Call- Studies have shown that lucky people usually have more “long-lasting” attachments, more old friends, than unlucky people. Contact a former classmate, old friend or someone you have not spoken to in the last 6-months. Reconnection on a regular basis enlarges your spheres of influence.

6. Make a List- Focus on all of the good things that have happened to you in the previous 24-hours. “Unlucky” people allow failure to throw them off course, whereas “lucky” people force themselves to concentrate on the positive, regardless.

• How lucky are you on a scale of 1-10?
• Select 1-step daily that you will incorporate into your customary practices
• Which actions were most successful?
• Share your results

©2011 Maureen Weisner

Tourist or Pilgrim?

From early on, travel has always been a priority; as a student backpacking through Europe and now, where sleeping in a youth hostel is happily a distant memory. There is no single formula for a uniquely memorable experience, as each trip has been terrific in the moment, save for a few questionable decisions or a bad piece of fish. Looking at photos and some special pieces we’ve brought home, or wearing a piece of jewelry, all contribute to a brief return to far flung locales in my mind’s eye. So, I was a stopped in my tracks when I read the following quote from, “Meeting the Buddha” by Andrew Schnelling.

"Only the walker who sets out toward ultimate things is a pilgrim. In this lies the terrible difference between tourist and pilgrim. The tourist travels just as far, sometimes with great zeal and courage, gathering up acquisitions, (a string of adventures, a wondrous tale or two), and returns the same person as the one who departed. There is something inexpressibly sad in the clutter of belongings the tourist unpacks back at home.
 
The pilgrim is different. The pilgrim resolves that the one who returns will not be the same person as the one who set out. Pilgrimage is a passage for the reckless and subtle. The pilgrim---and the metaphor comes to us from distant times---must be prepared to shed the husk of personality or even the body like a worn out coat.”

Which one is my travel persona? Yes, I’ve been both a tourist and a pilgrim of sorts. I hadn’t considered the description of a traveler to be one or the other and especially not with one sounding so profoundly superficial and judgmental! While shopping or hunting for souvenirs are not primary when I travel, neither has the search for transformation been a singular goal. “Wondrous tales” are exactly that and can be called up at a moment’s notice to relive a time past with others and yes, a string of adventures too. Let’s not demean the fun and pleasure we glean from travel. Perhaps an unplanned metamorphosis or transformative event will happen much closer to home.

• What is your travel “type”?
• Are you more apt to acquire or experience?
• What’s the balance for you?
©2011 Maureen Weisner